5.9 A NOTE TO MY READERS

Comrades, it has been many weeks since I’ve been able to update. After my last post, the Roommates discovered how I had cleverly imprisoned Oliver.

Unfortunately, Oliver worked his black devil magic, and in a twisted and completely unexpected turn of events, the Roommates became angry with ME!

I know, I know — I had a hard time believing it too.  In what kind of cruel, dystopian world could it be considered a crime for me to lock up Oliver and leave him to die in his own filth?  I still have a hard time with it.

Anyway, my computer privileges were taken away.  But now I’m back, and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that life is unjust, and the only solution is to pick yourself up, put on a smile, and terrorize the ones you hate.

3.4 TRIUMPH! JUBILANCE! EXULTATION!

Comrades… my dear, dear comrades.

Victory is ours.

I am pleased to announce that OPERATION: OLICAUST was a grand success.  After imprisoning Oliver – a feat which required the kind of agility, mental genius, and stunningly good looks that only I possess – I menacingly taunted him for hours.  He pretended to think it was a game, but I know that underneath that moronically cheerful exterior is a cat with a broken soul.

Figure 15.  What you know bout me?  What you, what you know bout me?

I think I’ll have a nice warm bath and think about Oliver’s starving, cramped, immobile body slowly deteriorating in catjail.

2.28 THE OLICAUST BEGINS

My week of artistic solitude greatly invigorated me, reconfirming my commitment to destroying He Who Shall Not Be Named And, Also, Is Retarded (abbr., HWSNBNAAIR).

After conducting an extensive review of military organization and strategy, I have put together an elaborate and detailed plan of action:

Figure 14.  The takedown of HWSNBNAAIR requires a combination of tactical strength, knowledge of the environment, and contemporary military strategy.