From time to time I like to take a break from the monotony of violently harassing Oliver and take a moment to reflect on all the other things that I hate. And my, how many things there are!
#1. Children who enjoy reading.
Listen, nerd, I understand that your frizzy hair and glasses make it difficult to make friends, but for the love of God, find a hobby that isn’t so incredibly annoying. “Oh, look at me, I like the library. Learning is so great. I hope I get books for my birthday.” Could you please stop being a loser for like, five seconds? You should be hoping for popularity, cool shoes, or a drug habit like normal kids. Go to hell, you annoying little pricks.
#2. Myspace.
If I wanted to see what you look like in a picture taken on an angle from the upper corner of your mirror, I’d install a camera in your bathroom. At least then I’d be able to blackmail you.
#3. Videos of dogs “speaking”.
Your dog is not speaking English. He is barking. No, Sparky did not just say “I love you,” he made a weird noise because his tiny brain is just functional enough to realize that you’ll give him a treat whenever he makes it. Your dog is too stupid to speak English, because your dog is a fucking dog.
#4. Them.
Figure 12. Winter is cold, but you would look better with blackened, frozen ears falling off your head than you do with these hats on.
